Sardonika

OBIT: Writer of REAL Book of Love

Author Murdock Irving Elmore III, best known for writing The Book of Love, the tome that was turned into The Monotones’ 1958 rock classic by the same name, died yesterday.

He was 99.

Mr. Elmore who also wrote The Book of Hate, The Book of Misgivings and The Book of Sullen Ambivalence, had mixed feelings about the song.

“The royalties were great for a while,” he told friends.  “But I couldn’t understand some of the lyrics, and it didn’t tell the whole story.”

As he told SPINews last year, “My book was about much more than ‘In chapter four you break up but you give her just one more chance'. And they ignored the best parts like raging hormones and rec-room petting.”

Mr. Elmore added, "I got so frustrated at, 'I wonder, wonder, who wrote the book of love' because nobody knew the answer.  I kept telling everyone it was me!"

Last Rites Must-Have List

Most people take their final bows on life’s big stage without proper fanfare so the Sardonika Policy Institute is urging that along with wills and cemetery spots, all actual living persons should spell out what they want at their funeral.

Below is part of the SPI Full Funeral Check Sheet.  Pick one or more from each:

• THEME:  Family, Religious (Revival, Irish Wake, Animal Sacrifice), Sports (Beer Pong, Ping Pong, Putting Contest), Star Wars, Marvel Comics, Masquerade Party, Disney
• MUSIC:  Rock, Rap, Disco, OomPah, Ska, Emo, John Philip Sousa, Elevator, Zither, Country, Show Tunes
• ENTERTAINMENT:  Mime, Clown, Jugglers, Singer-Songwriter, Stand-up Comedian, Puppet Show, Charades, Superbowl Halftime Extravaganza, Cirque du Soleil
• EULOGY:  Weeping Testimony, Haiku, Limericks, Brain-teaser, Poetry Slam, Roast, Stump Speech
• FOOD:  Wine Tasting, Sit-Down Dinner, Potluck With Cheese Platter, Salad Bar, Brats and Burgers, Kegger, Old-Fashioned Pig Roast, Finger Food

Dead garage-band rockers may charge a $5 cover at the door.

 

KNRA (Blam!) Radio

Good morning, pistol-packin’ pardners, from us jocks here at KNRA Radio in Dry Mouth, Texas.  And do we got a show for y’all today --

(Blam!  Blam!  Blam!)

Damn, Merle, you winged me!  Put that gun down, son.  These sound engineers, ya know?  Anyway we got a buncha songs by patriotic singers like Brad Paisley an’ Hank Junior -- 

(Blam!)

Merle, I’m warning you.  Where was I?  AND an interview with Wayne LaPierre --

(Ker-POW)

Jesus, put that thing DOWN! 

(Bam!)

But first Norm’s Gun Shop is puttin’ on a huge ol’ gun show -- 

(Ka-BLAM ka-BLAM!)

Just a sec, folks.

(Blamblamblamblamblamblamblamblamblamblamblamblamblam!)

... especially them AR15s of which I done bought one last year.  Here’s Hank ...

Legendary R&B Duo

IKE AND TINA TURNER

Commander Nugent's Log

All great military leaders keep logs, and so does Ted Nugent, Supreme Commandant of the Peoples United Militias of America (PUMA).  

March 29, 2013
Deep Woods, Michigan

OK what’s all this crap about homosexuals getting hitched?  If the guys who wrote the constitution wouldn’t have still been so worried about the frigging commerce clause they would have stuck something in there about marriage is between a man and a woman.

Period.

Hey, the Beatles didn’t sing “HE loves you yeah yeah yeah!”

And I don’t want any don’t ask-don’t tell stuff in my army or any so-called gay people nohow. 

I’m going to inspect my troops closely.  If anyone knows the words to “Oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin' over the something something something” he or she is OUT. OF. HERE.

Stopping now to check how our new anti-missile site is coming along.

Best Latin Rocker from Way North of the Border

                                CARLOS SANTA

Lament of the Shredder's Guitar

Commander Nugent's Log

All great military leaders keep logs, and so does Ted Nugent, Supreme Commandant of the Peoples United Militias of America (PUMA).  

February 13
Deep Woods, Michigan 

So I took off my 9 guns and emptied my pockets of cop-killer ammo and went to the state of the union by Barack HUSSEIN Obama -- and got pissed off at all his anti-second amendment crap and Baptist church “deserves a vote” stuff.  Come on, dude, where’s that old separation of church and state bizz?

Frankly I didn’t understand a lot of that economy mumbo-jumbo and it about put me to sleep.  It was like listening to the frigging Carpenters!

I did meet a black democrat congresslady from Texas and told her I love Motown and man she was really impressed.  I have that kind of magnetic personality.

All for now -- my men and I are going to my rifle range for target practice with AK-47s and a photo of Rachel Maddow.

Lance II: Love Children?

CHICAGO (SPINews) First he bared what’s left of his soul and admitted he stuffed his body with drugs, then ex-Tour de France champ Lance Armstrong made more startling confessions to SPINews.

Sipping a tiny power drink, he says he:

• Watches “Honey Boo Boo”
• Plays FarmVille on Facebook
• Chews his fingernails
• Drinks milk from the carton then puts it back in the fridge
• Hates French food
• Tips no more than 7%
• Still loves the smell of EPO in the morning
• Parks in handicap spaces
• Has never lost his passion for disco
• Fathered love children with pretend Internet lovers “Brittany” and “Normandie”
• Fathered a love child with Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend
• Uncled a love child with Christian Vande Veld and Snooki
• Pumped up his tires with helium
• Took a deduction for HGH on his 2007 tax returns
• Changed his name from Fazul bin-Laden

SPINews has verified most of the above but wants more information on the Internet lovers.

Commander Nugent's Log

All great military leaders keep logs, and so does Ted Nugent, Supreme Commandant of the Peoples United Militias of America (PUMA).  Here is a page:

February 4, 2013
Deep Woods, Michigan

Well, I sure shoved it up Obama’s ass.  Me and my troops took a break from shooting otters with Uzis to warn him we won't stand for his Stalin-type terror on guns.  This guy is pure evil and a commie to boot.  

My buddy Wayne Lapierre promises us a mess of NRA firepower, including AR15s, RPGs and a coupla tanks.

And about my whole draft thing:  I woulda served, but I injured an eardrum strumming guitar.  Hey, remember, you Democrap libs, we also serve who play the shit out of a Strat.  

Finally, I'm reading Keith Richards' book.  He doesn't play guitar as good as I do, and does that open tuning shit, but he's a tough sonuvabitch and a guy I'd share a foxhole with even tho he's one of those lefty Brits.