Sardonika

Crystal Clear: Year End Part I

SARDONIKA -- Madame Z has issued a list of her year-end predictions

• MLB baseball players will take their baggy-pants look one step further and wear their pants halfway down their shorts.
• Honeymoon motels in the Poconos will offer two bathtubs and Cialis.
• In the continuing economic downturn, India will outsource jobs to Mississippi.
• Travelers will form a sexual abuse support group after passing through airport security.
• Oklahoma City will ward off tornadoes with a protective shield of trailer parks.
• After one year, and relying on Americans' short attention span, BP will claim they've never even been close to the Gulf of Mexico.
• China will paint the Great Wall avocado green to match the skies over Beijing. 
• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will upgrade to hybrids.
• Sarah Palin will return to her alternate universe.

New HBO "Family" Show

HOLLYWOOD (SPINews) -- It’s blockbuster show “The Sopranos” now history, HBO is debuting a new shoot-'em-up “Capitol Hill Blues” about a gang led by Mitch “Owl Eyes” McConnell and John “Johnny the Weeper” Boehner.

The two and their soldiers are locked in a vicious turf battle with a crew led by Barack (“The Kenyan”) Obama, Harry “Softy” Ried and Nancy “Botox Mama” Pelosi.

The supporting cast includes GOP consigliere Rush “Oxycontin” Limbaugh, Chris “The Yap” Matthews, Joe “Joey Mouth” Biden, Al “The Sniper” Sharpton and Paul "Paulie The Body" Ryan.

HBO is mum about the first show, but a source tells SPINews it involves  Sheldon “Red Shelly” Adelson going ballistic after mistakenly giving $5 billion to a whore posing as Karl “Turdblossom” Rove.

President Ruttles' Riddles

A western American town shares its name with a comic book cartoon character. Name the town and the toon. 

Last week's Sardonigram: The title of a popular jazz song is synonymous with a standard musical term. Name the song and the term. Answer: "Take Five" and "Rest"

LaPierre Prescription

WASHINGTON D.C. (SPINew) -- Following the horror in Connecticut, NRA Commandant Wayne LaPierre is calling on the feds to mandate the presence of armed cops, retired servicemen or trained civilians at every school in the country. 

When SPINews noted that shootings occur in a variety of venues, he added that heavily-armed peace-keepers also be posted at all:

• Traffic intersections
• Post Offices
• Shopping malls
• Movie theaters
• Military installations 
• Fast food franchises
• 7-Elevens
• Bars, restaurants and Starbucks
• Cub Scout den meetings
• Places of worship (Southern Baptists are probably already armed)
• Kitchens, bedrooms, basements and two-car garages in America

How does Mr. LaPierre want to pay for his program? "A tax on anyone who doesn't own a gun.."

Mayans: New End Predicted

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Having moved into a local motel, the Mayans now claim the world misread their calendar, and predict the Earth will end on Black Friday, 2013.

This time will be world-wide Christmas music.

Explains Mayan spokesman Jose Jimenez, “It will start on Labor Day and drive people stark-raving mad.”

Crystal Clear on Christmas: Pucks & Pols

SARDONIKA -- Madame Zenya predicts House Speaker John Boehner will wake up with a bloody horse head in his bed and Eric Cantor’s footprints on the rug.

Broadway will resurrect another blockbuster musical, this time set in the Mideast and renamed  “West Bank Story”.

The NHL will disband and re-emerge as a spectacular “Tarantino On Ice”. 

Mayans Seek Asylum

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Following the mayhem caused by their bold prediction that the world would end this past Friday, the Mayans have sought asylum here.

Among the casualties:

• Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge. 
• The Mideast and South Asia disappeared when everyone joined hands in a massive suicide bombing
• The Kardashian sisters were trampled in a Manolo Blahnik close-out.
• MSNBC’s Chris Matthews choked on the 554,677 words he was about to say
• The Pope sprained his thumbs doing emergency Tweeting
• The Donald leaped from the top of the Trump Tower, but suffered only minor injuries when he landed on his hair

Sardonikan President Ruttles said he will admit the Mayans on one condition:  No more calendars unless they only have photos of kids, cats or Thomas Kincade paintings.

GOP, Chamber: Move Christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is backing a move by Republicans in Congress to move Christmas to the fourth Monday in December.

As the Chamber tells SPINews, “It's good for business as it will stop goldbricking workers from taking those extra days off between Sunday and the birth of our Lord and savior.  They get too many days off as it is.”

"We are sick and tired of the freeloading 47% hijacking Christmas."

“Besides,” he adds, “nobody knows the exact date anyway.”

President Ruttles' Riddles

The title of a popular jazz song is synonymous with a standard musical term. Name the song and the term.

Last week's Sardonigram: Rearrange the letters of the phrase: "La-La's Indy Hon" to name a celeb known for driving exploits. Answer: Lindsay Lohan.

Ask Bill Clinton: Mark Sanford Again?

DEAR PRESIDENT CLINTON: I just read that former governor Mark Sanford is going to run for Congress in South Carolina. Didn’t he have to resign after an affair with an Argentine babe? -- Laughing in La Jolla.

DEAR LAUGHING: If politics is the art of the possible then it's possible we could see ol’ Mark roaming the halls of Congress. (He better let just his eyes do the roaming.)  And with Congress’ work schedule, he’ll have plenty of time to hike the Appalachian Trail with his Buenos Aires sweetie.