Sardonika

NFL: 14 billion Super Bowl Fans

INDIANAPOLIS (SPINews) -- Now that the most important event in mankind is history, the NFL is boasting that 14 billion people watched the Giants beat the Patriots.

Although there are only 7 billion on the planet the NFL says everyone watched the game twice. 

Fans were glued to the TV in Russia, India, Brazil and South Pacific islands too tiny for Google maps. Iranians loved the ads, the Chinese went nuts over the Giants’ blitz package and riots broke out in Egypt (above photo) over the safety call against Tom Brady.

The Taliban are dressing their babes up as Madonna.

The U.N. has passed a resolution making Super Bowl XLVII viewing mandatory under penalty of beheading.

Crystal Clear

SARDONIKA -- Madame Zenya predicts:  Black Friday will become Black Thursday, then Black Wednesday, then Black November, Black Autumn ...

On Thursday, Native American tribes will protest the 1620 arrival of the world's first cruise ship.

Stung by the drumbeat of ugly news, the Big Ten will fire Penn State.

Sister Kim

LOS ANGELES (SPINews) -- Kim Kardashian insists she married for love and blames her reality TV show for her imminent divorce, but SPINews has learned the real reason it’s Splitsville with NBA player Kris Humphries after 72 days:  She is joining Mother Teresa’s order.

“I’m sick of like the hype, the glitz, the celebrities, the money, the vagina waxing and anal bleaching and skin-tight dresses,” Ms. Kardashian said. "I'm tired of strutting my booty for horny 30-year-olds."

She adds, "I can best serve the world by helping the poor, the downtrodden and stuff like that.”

Ms. Kardashian did not rule out a future reality show, “Sacred Vows, Sacred Cows".

Meanwhile, Mr. Humphries complained: "I can't believe it -- locked out TWICE this season!"

Perry Fries Partial Birthers

AUSTIN (SPINews) Texas GOP Governor Rick Perry has executed 46,748 men and women who do not totally agree with him that President Obama is not a U.S. citizen.

Perry labels the new law “Partial Birther Abortion.”

“I’m 100-percent pro-life,” claims Perry, “except in these cases.  You got a doubt, you’re guilty and boom, you’re outta here.”

He concedes he maybe should have consulted the Texas legislature and the Department of Corrections.

A fast-sinking presidential wannabe, Perry ordered the executions after conferring with spiritual adviser Donald Trump, and agreeing with him that Obama was born either in Kenya or Hawaii.

When SPINews reminded him Hawaii is a state, Perry said, “Since when?”

The Ol' College Conference Shuffle

LAS VEGAS (SPINews) -- Celebrating its headquarters' move here next year, the NCAA has already spun its new Bowls-a-Rama Conference Roulette that realigns all major college conferences.

The NCAA will make this an annual event.

Universities complained, calling the shuffling “wanton and anti-academic," but re-evaluated their position after TV -- including MTV, HGTV and HBO -- ponied up $50 trillion for broadcast rights.

Here is a partial list of the realignment for 2012-13:

• ACC:  Maryland, Texas, Idaho, Florida, U Mass, Navy, Oxford
• Big 10:  Ohio State, Michigan, Kentucky, Stanford, Electoral College, 
• Big 12:  Nebraska, Penn State, Tennessee, Colgate, Palmolive
• Big East:  West Virginia, Temple, BYU, BYOB, International School of Hard Knox
• PAC 12:  Washington, Southern Cal, Notre Dame, Mississippi, Beijing U
• SEC:  LSU, Pitt, Colorado, Northwestern, Northeastern, Arizona, U of Phoenix
• SWC:  Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Oregon, UCLA, College of Cardinals

One NCAA exec gleefully told SPINews, “Bring on the Coors Light/CSX/Microsoft Bowl with the College of Cardinals taking on Alabama.

Autumn: Football Scandal Time

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (SPINews) -- College football is here, which means mayhem, majorettes and more miscreants.

Stung by recent scandals involving big-deal universities such as Miami, Ohio State, Michigan, Southern Cal and North Carolina, the NCAA has turned up the heat.

It remains mum, but SPINews has learned it is investigating the following:  

• A special-teams unit enjoys dressing up in lingerie
• An entire class of sports management majors cheated on its exam in playground dodgeball
• A Division I college took money from the Budweiser-GM-Allstate Garish Sportsjacket Bowl 
• Excessive towel snapping in PAC Ten locker rooms
• Sexting from the huddle
• Mooning the cheerleaders' van during away games
• Violations of PETA rules when horsing around with team mascots
• Releasing team mascots back into the wild
• Barbecuing team mascots
• Selling autographed ace bandages and neck braces on eBay
• Four inept squads that may be an al-Qaida sleeper cells
• Running a ponzi scheme with the Booster Club
• An assistant coach who made bomb jokes at airport security
• One team's trio of "massage" therapists
• A Heisman candidate who only gives 109%

The NCAA may implement strong penalties, including banning football for five years, making boosters wear ankle-bracelet monitors and name tags "Hi, I'm a Jock Sniffer", and forcing wayward jocks to get drafted ... by the U.S. Army.

BC Brawl

VANCOUVER, B.C. Canada (SPNews) -- Following the dustup after Boston whipped the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup, the city's mayor blamed a "small group of troublemakers," and emphasized the violence was clearly sectarian, namely Canada's national religion, NHL hockey.

Crazy

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Baseball players now have personal “walk-up songs” to pump themselves up as they head for the batter’s box or pitching mound.  

Derek Jeter enters to “Square Dance” by Eminem while San Francisco’s Tim Lincecum, perhaps not surprisingly, goes with The Doors’ “Break on Through (to the Other Side)”.

The Sardonika Policy Institute recommends “walk-up” songs for other non-baseball stars. 

• Barack Obama:  Besides “Hail to the Chief” Muddy Waters’ “I’m a Man”.  
• Harry Reid:  The theme from “Rocky”
• John Boehner:  “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”
• Nancy Pelosi:  Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”
• Glenn Beck:  “Crazy”
• Tiger Woods:  “Great Balls of Fire”
• Martha Stewart:  “Folsom Prison Blues”
• Donald Trump:  “Send in the Clowns”
• Paul Ryan:  "Mack the Knife"

High Stick Like a Bee

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- With the NHL playoffs underway, for a brief moment we can turn away from all the blood and violence in the world and savor the speed, grace and artistry at the highest level of professional hockey.  As NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman told SPINews, “Fighting and thuggery no longer have place in our sport.”  We applaud the commissioner.

New Wash-Speak

HOUSTON (SPINews) -- It's Final Four time and even politicians are caught up in the frenzy, sounding like coaches who sandbag opponents by not giving them one word of "bulletin-board material":

• President Obama:  “Michele Bachmann is enormously talented and wrongly overlooked.”
• John Boehner:  “President Obama is formidable -- I just hope we can keep it close.”
• Newt Gingrich:  “I’ve had some tough losses, so I’ve gotta play smart or I’ll get killed.”
• Harry Reed:  “The Republicans are awesome and will surprise a lot of folks.”
• Donald Trump:  “I’m a loudmouth born with a humongous silver spoon ... I’ll be lucky to get one vote.”
• Sarah Palin:  “‘Obamacare’ is just dissing -- and how’rya gonna top a president who gave the country the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act?”
• Ms. Bachmann:  “Barack Obama is a tremendous, tremendous president and when he’s on his game, he’s absolutely unbeatable.”
• Joe Biden (in another "oops" moment):  “Sarah Palin -- she is a big fucking deal!”