Sardonika

Surprise Mormon Baptism

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- Holocaust survivor and Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel wants Presidential candidate Mitt Romney to tell the Mormon church to knock off posthumously baptizing Jews, including Holocaust victims such as Weisel’s own parents.  

The church routinely baptizes dead non-Mormons whether they like it or not.

Romney had no comment but SPINews has learned the church has secretly baptized Weisel.

Meanwhile Mormons fear retaliation by Israeli Mossad agents performing secret circumcisions in Salt Lake City.

Sticks and Stones

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- The GOP contenders have taken off the gloves and are now calling the president and each other what they consider the most vile and disgusting epithets:  

Mitt Romney called President Obama a communist.

Newt Gingrich called Obama a traitorous son of a bitch.

Rick Santorum called Mitt Romney Barack Obama.

 

Stars To Protest Grammys

LOS ANGELES (SPINews) -- Musicians including Paul Simon, Bonnie Raitt and Carlos Santana will protest outside tonight’s Grammy bash, angry over cuts to awards in Latin Jazz, Gospel, R&B and Blues.

Grammy grand poobahs say their trophy is “the highest and only peer-recognized award in music.”

One exec told SPINews the cuts make way for thrree new categories:  Best Angst-Ridden Self-Absorbed New Singer-Songwriter, Best Tattoos and Most Likely to Make Obscene Gestures at Super Bowl XLVII.

 

Fire but Hold the Hummus

MASON, Texas (SPIN) -- Cowboy gun-safety instructor Crockett Keller who last fall closed his classes to “socialist liberals,” Muslims, or anyone who voted for President Obama is still going strong..

He said a devout Muslim cannot be a true American. 

He has now opened a dorm for "true Americans" such as militia crazies, the Klan and Aryan Brotherhood, Christian anti-abortionists and gun-slinging birthers.

This Saturday they’re having a kegger, toga party and shoot-out.

When he learned togas were worn by pagan Romans, Keller changed the costumes to bib overalls.

The Real Santorum

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- After Rick Santorum cleaned house in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado, the Sardonika Policy Institute says it's time to take a closer look at the fomer Senator from Pennsylvania.

"We thought he was just an empty sweater-vest," says one SPI analyst.

But SPI has unearthed far more disturbing material: He was born Rajeed bin Santorum in Afghanistan's Tora Bora region and is vice-commander of the Taliban. Says SPI:  "His views on women's right to choose, gay marriage, contraception, heavy petting and mixed-gender restaurants should have tipped us off sooner."

And those sweater vests?

"They're lined with C-4."

NFL: 14 billion Super Bowl Fans

INDIANAPOLIS (SPINews) -- Now that the most important event in mankind is history, the NFL is boasting that 14 billion people watched the Giants beat the Patriots.

Although there are only 7 billion on the planet the NFL says everyone watched the game twice. 

Fans were glued to the TV in Russia, India, Brazil and South Pacific islands too tiny for Google maps. Iranians loved the ads, the Chinese went nuts over the Giants’ blitz package and riots broke out in Egypt (above photo) over the safety call against Tom Brady.

The Taliban are dressing their babes up as Madonna.

The U.N. has passed a resolution making Super Bowl XLVII viewing mandatory under penalty of beheading.

Iran Feud: H-O-R ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- Tensions are rising over Iran's push for nukes and threats to close the Strait of Hormuz, both abroad and in the White House Situation Room.

The State Department says, "Mahmud Ahmadinejad is a lunatic, and sanctions haven't worked, but we must keep trying."

The Pentagon backs a strike that could lead to a war dwarfing Iraq and Afghanistan.

One senior staffer had to stand in the corner for urging President Obama to invite Ahmadinejad over for tea or settle things in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

NFL Rockers

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- Agog at Steven Tyler’s raspy rendition of the National Anthem at the AFC championship game, excited NFL execs have scheduled a rap version by Jay-z.

They'll follow that with more classic rockers: James Taylor (slow, wistful and in a minor key), Jerry Lee Lewis (boogie woogie -- if he shows up), Ozzy Osbourne (with a bat), and a flashing Jim Morrison impersonator.

Waiting patiently and very quietly:  Elvis, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

Suicide Bomber Ranks Thinning

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The continued use of Muslim suicide bombers in the Middle East is depleting the supply.

Bomb incidents are outpacing new suicide bombers.

According to the Sardonika Policy Institute, the promise of 72 virgins is losing it's appeal to people crazed enough to blow themselves to smithereens, especially as jihadists recruit women and the elderly.  

"After all the time and money for training," says SPI, "first day on the job, BOOM! They're gone."

SPI predicts re-usable suicide bombers who will strap a small charge on one ankle, take out a few pedestrians, lose a foot and a monrh later be back in action.

Says SPI:  "They'll get four of five missions out of a single recruit."

Mitt Smacks Rivals on $$$

TAMPA, Florida (SPINews) -- Rebounding presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is fed up with incoming from Newt Gingrich and his two other remaining GOP rivals.

“Why are my fellow Republicans piling on?” he told SPINews.  “Acquiring businesses, gutting them and making obscene profits -- that’s a Republican core value!”

It was the only positive thing he said before training his sights on Gingrich.

“I meant it when I said I like firing people," Mitt adds.  "In fact, I'm buying Newt's SuperPac and firiing that lying fat-ass toad.”