In this month's issue of the prestigious journal:
JOB OPENING
The Sardonika Zoo has an opening for its new director.
Qualifications:
Salary: Meager as a church mouse.
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- When Hostess declared bankruptcy, it was faced with disposing of its stockpile of 40 billion Twinkies.
Scientists tell SPINews Twinkies have a half-life of 10,000 years.
They suggest Nevada's Yucca Mountain as a repository, but that has led to violent protests.
Meanwhile, the Food Network's Paula Deen says, "I can use them in dozens of recipes: deep-fried, smothered in cream cheese, drizzled with bacon fat.”
\NEW YORK (SPINews) -- AT&T has started selling its new “smart phones” but some critics claim they are not as smart as Apple’s iPhone4.
The phones will cost $200 and $250, so they better be smart.
Both sides are claiming their phones are not only smart, but so brilliant they come with a business degree from Harvard, and will make you an expert on the string theory, block all robocalls and understand Finnegans Wake.
Sardonika Telecom will soon join the battle with its new SmartAss Phone.
The SAP will come up with instant retorts, snotty putdowns and drop-dead one-liners -- all those things that after some dustup you later wish you’d said.
WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- President Obama, increasingly frustrated with the GOP knee-jerk intransigence, will start treating Congress like the foot-stamping, say-no-at-any-cost persons they are: petulant 2-year olds.
As a parent, he knows that when asked to do something, a toddler does the opposite.
He will, therefore, announce his new Agenda 2012.
The president also suggested Congress needs a time-out.
House Speaker Weeping John Boehner said, "We will oppose him on every one of those policies."
GOP Senate Minority Leader Mitch “Owl Eyes” McConnell mumbled something unintelligible.
WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- The GOP, under the direction of Dear Leader Grover Norquist and the right-wing Koch Brothers, has almost finished drafting its Jobs Plan 2012.
Democrats have dubbed it: “Brother Can You Spare a Dime?”
No one at GOP HQ would comment, but SPINews has obtained a final draft that includes these key points:
As Norquist wrote, “Companies can hire more folks and we can finally compete with the Chinese.”
And lawsuits don't worry him: “Are you nuts? With our Supreme Court?”
MOSSEL BAY, South Africa (SPINews) -- A sporting 10-foot shark that recently leapt into a research boat here and was later released by scientists, has sparked a rash of copy-catfish mayhem elsewhere:
Navy brass downplay the invasions, but one wondered privately, "Why would anyone go to frigging Mexico?"
WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- Einstein’s theory that says nothing travels faster than the speed of light is in trouble after European scientists claim an “oddball” subatomic particle called a neutrino holds the world (and everywhere else) new speed record.
At least forr now.
Many scientists are skeptical, and the religious right was first to pounce.
Led by Texas gov-turned-prez candidate Rick Perry, the WWJD -- Who Would Jesus Drill -- opened fire: “This is what we Christians mean about ‘theories’ -- God was just waiting to shoot down all that E=mc2 crap."
Added Perry: "Next He’ll turn that pro-evolution gang and the theory-of-gravity bunch into gigantic pillars of salt.”
SARDONIKA (SPINews) --- Orthopedic surgeons worldwide have been inundated with patients suffering from a bizarre new affliction: Stocklash.
"We've never seen an injury that correlates so closely with market swings," said Geneva neck specialist Dr. Hugo Figure. "Especially people tied to their retirement portfolios.
"They watch their investments soar, they watch them plunge. They watch them snap to new highs then jerk back to historic lows. Very painful."
Dr. Figure advises against financial planning altogether.
"Also," he says, "Never, ever read the newspapers."
Change is Good
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