SARDONIKA (SPINews) --- After serving 23 years of a life sentence at Sardonika Sea World, Robert (Bobby) Lee Orca was released into the wild yesterday. DNA evidence, not available at the time of his trial, exonerated him of the 1987 crime for which he was convicted: swallowing a 26-year-old wind surfer just off the Sardonika Pier. "The thing that bothers me the most," said Orca, "will I ever get my good name back?" Orca was clearly referring to the years in which the public and the press derisively tagged him "The Killer Whale." Prosecutors were contrite and said they would reopen the case. "There was always some suspicion that a giant bivalve might have been involved," said Major Fargo Frango who moonlights for the DA. "I'm not bitter," insisted Orca, as he swam out to sea. "I learned some marketable skills while I was inside. Like treading water, balancing a beach ball on my nose and making kickass jailhouse wine."
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- A trio of mountaineers is missing in its attempt to scale Mount Sardonika, the island's highest point, elevation 345 feet. "They were last seen as they left base camp yesterday," said Alpine Rescue leader, Horst Blumenthal. Mount Sardonika, or as locals call it, "The Widow-Maker", is notorious for its myriad dangers. Just last week a team of experienced Japanese climbers was devoured by lemmings. And six months ago, as reported here, a solo climber died of starvation just ten yards shy of the Sardonika Policy Institute's Annual Picnic and Polka Review on the summit. "Right now, we still consider this a rescue mission," Blumenthal said. "But if we don't make contact soon, sadly, it could turn into an exercise in recovery." There is no word on the identity or nationality of the climbers. The mountain attracts adventurers from all points on the globe. Speculation, based on an overheard conversation in the parking lot at the foot of the peak, is that the missing men are Serbo-Croatian. Or maybe Walloon. Or Inuit. Blumenthal said he is leaning toward Inuit, noting traces of whale blubber around the climbers' campsite.
SARDONIKA (SPINews) --- “Even a stopped watch is right twice a day.”
“Not entirely true,” say scientists from the Sardonika Policy Institute
who have just released the results of year-long, $500 study.
"It's more complicated than that," said chief researcher, Elbert Edelweis. "If you consider each of the world’s time zones,” “the watch is actually correct at some point
on earth, 24 times a day.”
Extensive field trials involving cell phones, GPS devices, Google Maps and a broken Bulova have confirmed the conjecture.
This new way of looking at time may be as revolutionary
as Einstein’s General Theory and has sent shockwaves through the worlds of metaphor and cliché. No so, the world of simile. “The original quote, while both metaphorical and clichéd, contains
neither the word, ‘like’ nor ‘as’,” said one local grammar nazi. “Big effing deal.”
Also unmoved, and admittedly completely unaware of the contratemps, is The World According to Garp, Sea World, and World Series star Alex Rodriguez.