Sardonika

The Real Santorum

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- After Rick Santorum cleaned house in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado, the Sardonika Policy Institute says it's time to take a closer look at the fomer Senator from Pennsylvania.

"We thought he was just an empty sweater-vest," says one SPI analyst.

But SPI has unearthed far more disturbing material: He was born Rajeed bin Santorum in Afghanistan's Tora Bora region and is vice-commander of the Taliban. Says SPI:  "His views on women's right to choose, gay marriage, contraception, heavy petting and mixed-gender restaurants should have tipped us off sooner."

And those sweater vests?

"They're lined with C-4."

Suicide Bomber Ranks Thinning

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The continued use of Muslim suicide bombers in the Middle East is depleting the supply.

Bomb incidents are outpacing new suicide bombers.

According to the Sardonika Policy Institute, the promise of 72 virgins is losing it's appeal to people crazed enough to blow themselves to smithereens, especially as jihadists recruit women and the elderly.  

"After all the time and money for training," says SPI, "first day on the job, BOOM! They're gone."

SPI predicts re-usable suicide bombers who will strap a small charge on one ankle, take out a few pedestrians, lose a foot and a monrh later be back in action.

Says SPI:  "They'll get four of five missions out of a single recruit."

Christmas Letter Blahs? Send THIS

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The holidays are here and if you're in a funk about writing your Christmas letter, the Sardonika Policy Institute recommends sending the one below and calling it a year:

Merry Christmas!

Gosh, it’s been a fabulous twelve months!  Chuck’s been promoted at SummitTech to Vice President/Prioritization, Jeannie has a new Marauder SUV and nailed a Mini Cooper all by herself outside Sears in June, Todd landed a terrific job in RR&B’s Corporate Communications Division and is living in a wonderful condo in London, and Melesia had her first show of “experimental earth surface” paintings in a Soho Gallery in New York City and sold out!!!!!!  

On a sad note, our beautiful dog Tootie died last week, but she hasn’t been well since she ate a can of Sea Coral interior latex, eggshell finish.

Hope you are all well and come visit us at our gorgeous summer home on the Vineyard, Ha Ha Ha Just Kidding!

SPI assures us any confusion among recipients will be topped by sheer joy knowing how well you're doing.

God and Mayhem

SARDONIKA (SPINews) --  Mindful of jihadist and right-wing Christian terrorists killing in the name of God, Sardonika's Security Ministry has assembled the following list of other potential religious terrorist organizations:

• Radical Unitarians
• Mormon Underwear Bombers
• Christian Pseudoscientis
• Jehovah's Witness Watchtower Snipers
• Rabid Presbyterians
• Suicide Episcopalians
• Seventh Day Skinheads
• Zen Buddhist Sleeper Cells 
• Hell's Amish
• Wild and Crazy Calvinists
• Tao Jones Hedge Funders

And arguably the most ruthless of all: al Quaker.

Beyond Texting

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Following Anthony Weiner's lewd sexting spree, communications experts at the Sardonika Policy Institute have identified variations on cell phone messaging, some not even scandalous:

Pretexting -- Tweeting specious justification for obscene material to follow
Contexting -- Tapping out signals to fellow inmates
TexMexting -- Sharing info on best spot for chicken fajitas
Ex-Texting -- Harassing your former spouse on your smart phone
Hexting -- Putting a nasty curse on your former spouse
Drexting -- Sending messages to Sardonika cartoonist D. Dwane Powell
Complexting -- Blasting differential equations into cyberspace
Perplexting -- Sending utter nonsense  to your friends
Flexting -- Sending photos of your abs and pecs
Cineplexting -- Warning friends of the latest stinker at the movies 
T-Rexting -- Warning the citizenry of roaming dinosaurs  

Weiner is a Dick

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- After admitting to sending lewd photos of himself on Twitter and Facebook, a New York Congressman has inadvertently raised a constitutional question:

"Does Representative Weiner have a representative weiner?"

Not so fast.  Penn Law Professor Kermit Roosevelt says, "Did his lying violate the law? Was his conduct unethical? Did he use government phones or computers? Those are the questions."

"On the contrary," insists Kermit the Frog, "Most guys out in cyberspace want to know how they stack up against Anthony Weiner. Most of the women are sick of it."

The Brooklyn Democrat says he's ashamed of his actions, but he will not resign from office. 

"Hey, it's not like I pulled a Sarah Palin and screwed Paul Revere's ride."

Meanwhile, right-wing blogs are posting more photos of Weiner, offering proof he in fact swings to the left.

Tinkling Trump

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- The Donald may be gone temporarily but get ready for the hottest new item in lawn statuary:  The Peeing Donald.  

As one outdoor-furniture emporium tells us, “We can’t keep him in stock.  People love the idea of America's brightest and richest guy tinkling in the fish pond.”

Meanwhile, the Sardonika Policy Institute suggests other uses for the cherubic statue:  Peeing on your health care, taking a whiz on women's rights, and for Trump fans and the Teabag crowd, pissing all over on a lawn-jockey statue of President Obama.

Crazy

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Baseball players now have personal “walk-up songs” to pump themselves up as they head for the batter’s box or pitching mound.  

Derek Jeter enters to “Square Dance” by Eminem while San Francisco’s Tim Lincecum, perhaps not surprisingly, goes with The Doors’ “Break on Through (to the Other Side)”.

The Sardonika Policy Institute recommends “walk-up” songs for other non-baseball stars. 

• Barack Obama:  Besides “Hail to the Chief” Muddy Waters’ “I’m a Man”.  
• Harry Reid:  The theme from “Rocky”
• John Boehner:  “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”
• Nancy Pelosi:  Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”
• Glenn Beck:  “Crazy”
• Tiger Woods:  “Great Balls of Fire”
• Martha Stewart:  “Folsom Prison Blues”
• Donald Trump:  “Send in the Clowns”
• Paul Ryan:  "Mack the Knife"

Wow! HGTV! OH, WOW!

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Wednesday, NPR ran a story on HGTV, whose stars are gushing buyers, gussied-up real-estate agents and buffed-up builders doing their version of TV Chef Emiril's "BAM!"

The Sardonika Policy Institute's Media Division knows we all dream of getting on TV, including HGTV, and urges timid newbie couples master The Essential HGTV Looking at a House Dialogue:

Wow! Wow!  Oh, wow! WOW!

Granite counter tops!  Wow!

Wow! Wow! Stainless-steel appliances! WOOOOOWWWWW! 

Wow! Wow! Wow!  We like to entertain!  Wow!

Stainless backsplash! Wow!!  OH, WOW! WOW! WOW!  WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW!  

SPI warns against shouting, "Wowie!," "Wowser!" "Oh, God, Oh, God, Yes, yes, yes!  More, I want MORE!"   Or the Joe Bidenesque "This is a big fucking house!"  

And never, ever check the foundation or the roof, or ask why the owners are selling, who's the weird neighbor with the gun, or what's that funny odor behind the furnace.

Defense of Marriage

WASHINGTON (SPINews) --- As criticism swirls around President Obama for no longer enforcing the Defense of Marriage Act, he met with Gay and Lesbian Community representatives demanding gay marriage.

He soon changed their minds.

"Say you and your gay lover get married," the president said.  "You've just stepped into a whole boatload of in-laws. You sure that's what you want?"  

He went on:  "Your religious-fanatic mother-in-law, your father-in-law who believes in UFOs, Uncle Lou with a bad rug, your insane aunt, the snot-nosed nephews playing tag and knocking over your Ming vase, a sports-addled brother-in-law parked in front of the wide screen, Grandma Shirley knitting you muumuus, cousin Earl sitting in San Quentin and cousin Jada raising weird mushrooms with her pet alligators."

They exchanged glances, and one said, "How'd you know about my cousin named Jada?"