SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Given the rush to 3-D movies, and knowing that 3-D is the wave of the future, President Ruttles has agreed with the Sardonika Policy Institute’s Blue Ribbon Panel on Digital Technology and declared the nation will henceforth be offered in high definition and three dimensions.
The Sardonikan scientific community noted again that the world already exists in 3-D.
Said a spokesman: “Just go outside and look.”
The president again responded by temporarily arresting the entire scientific community (five people) and threatening to turn its laboratory into condos. He was seen this morning wearing special hi-tech glasses.
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The continued use of Muslim suicide bombers in the Middle East is depleting the supply.
Bomb incidents are outpacing new suicide bombers.
According to the Sardonika Policy Institute, the promise of 72 virgins is losing it's appeal to people crazed enough to blow themselves to smithereens, especially as jihadists recruit women and the elderly.
"After all the time and money for training," says SPI, "first day on the job, BOOM! They're gone."
SPI predicts re-usable suicide bombers who will strap a small charge on one ankle, take out a few pedestrians, lose a foot and a monrh later be back in action.
Says SPI: "They'll get four of five missions out of a single recruit."
HOUSTON (SPINews) -- NASA has hit back at critics who claim astronauts on the Space Station are at risk after the Shuttle program was grounded, and who must now rely on the Russians.
They fear counting on the Russians' Soyuz vehicle to resupply the Space Station with food, and transport crew members, will lead to disaster.
For one theing, an anmanned Soyuz carrying two tons of supples just crashed into Siberia.
NASA denies astronauts will be stranded in space with no food or water. "We've always had a fail-safe system," a source tells SPINews. "Safety is job one."
He then revealed the agency's secret "Oz Contingency."
"Stowed away on the station is a supply of Ruby Slippers. If disaster hits, astronauts will close their eyes, click their heels together and repeat, 'There's no place like home. There's no place like home ... "
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- SPINews has learned that, despite what you hear on the financial reports, there is no rhyme nor reason for stocks to rise or fall.
Financial analysts at the Sardonika Policy Institute have released the results of an in-depth $50 study on stock market behavior, and the news has rocked Wall Street and markets in Asia, Europe and Elko, Nevada.
It may undermine the economic rebound.
Fearing he would send the Dow into a death spiral, macro-mini-economist Sir Karl Marxalot spoke with reporters in Pig Latin.
Said Sir Karl through a translator, "You know when you hear, 'stocks plummeted on news of unrest in the Mideast' or 'stocks were sharply higher today as GM out-performed expectations', it's BS!"
He added, "You might as well bet your portfolio on hemlines, bowling scores, Rorschach tests, tea leaves, entrails, contrails, happy trails, Happy Meals or meal worms."
In related news, global markets nose-dived when securities traders bet $66 billion on meal worms.
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Astronomers here have discovered a "Goldilocks" planet in a distant solar system.
Named "Zenya 47E" after Sardonika Psychic Madame Z who predicted its existence, the planet's atmosphere and temperature are "just right" for the presence of liquid water.
And water means life.
The possibility of extraterrestrial existence has long intrigued scientists and sci-fi comic-book nerds.
"Life, even intelligent life, probably exists on Zenya 47E," explained key researcher Godfrey Gliese. "But we can't say whether or not it resembles what we have on earth. It would be foolish to speculate."
"That's no fun," snapped Madame Z. "I see them just like us, except they're all altos, Episcopalians, 40-feet tall and better dancers. But they have no yard jockies, four-cheese pizza, Pez dispensers, irritable bowel syndrome, four-hour erections, used-car TV ads, inflatable women, white zinfandel, Starbucks or Snuggies.
10. The Top Ten Stupid Things Uttered by Sarah Palin. 9. The Top Ten YouTube Videos of Laughing Babies. 8. The Top Ten Recipes Requiring Squid, Falafel, Oat Bran and a Toaster Oven. 7. The Top Ten Deep Insights in George W. Bush's Memoir. (OK, the Top Two.) 6. The Top Ten Gangsta Rap Lyrics That Don't Include "Bitch" or "Ho". (OK, the Top Two.) 5. The Top Ten TSA Full Body Scan Images. 4. The Top Ten Million Wikileaks. 3. The Top Ten Wall Street Bonuses Exceeding $100 million. 2. The Top Ten Brilliant Things Uttered by Sarah Palin. (OK, the Top Two.)
And the number one Top Ten List of 2010:
1. The Top Ten List of the Top Ten Lists of the Top Ten Lists of the Year.