Sardonika

Suicide Bomber Ranks Thinning

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The continued use of Muslim suicide bombers in the Middle East is depleting the supply.

Bomb incidents are outpacing new suicide bombers.

According to the Sardonika Policy Institute, the promise of 72 virgins is losing it's appeal to people crazed enough to blow themselves to smithereens, especially as jihadists recruit women and the elderly.  

"After all the time and money for training," says SPI, "first day on the job, BOOM! They're gone."

SPI predicts re-usable suicide bombers who will strap a small charge on one ankle, take out a few pedestrians, lose a foot and a monrh later be back in action.

Says SPI:  "They'll get four of five missions out of a single recruit."

NASA's Oz Contingency

HOUSTON (SPINews) -- NASA has hit back at critics who claim astronauts on the Space Station are at risk after the Shuttle program was grounded, and who must now rely on the Russians.

They fear counting on the Russians' Soyuz vehicle to resupply the Space Station with food, and transport crew members, will lead to disaster.

For one theing, an anmanned Soyuz carrying two tons of supples just crashed into Siberia.

NASA denies astronauts will be stranded in space with no food or water.  "We've always had a fail-safe system," a source tells SPINews. "Safety is job one."

He then revealed the agency's secret "Oz Contingency." 

"Stowed away on the station is a supply of Ruby Slippers. If disaster hits, astronauts will close their eyes, click their heels together and repeat, 'There's no place like home. There's no place like home ... "

Houston, we have a musical.

Stocks vs. Reality

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- SPINews has learned that, despite what you hear on the financial reports, there is no rhyme nor reason for stocks to rise or fall.

Financial analysts at the Sardonika Policy Institute have released the results of an in-depth $50 study on stock market behavior, and the news has rocked Wall Street and markets in Asia, Europe and Elko, Nevada.

It may undermine the economic rebound. 

Fearing he would send the Dow into a death spiral, macro-mini-economist Sir Karl Marxalot spoke with reporters in Pig Latin.

Said Sir Karl through a translator, "You know when you hear, 'stocks plummeted on news of unrest in the Mideast' or 'stocks were sharply higher today as GM out-performed expectations', it's BS!"

He added, "You might as well bet your portfolio on hemlines, bowling scores, Rorschach tests, tea leaves, entrails, contrails, happy trails, Happy Meals or meal worms."

In related news, global markets nose-dived when securities traders bet $66 billion on meal worms.  

New Goldilocks Planet Identified

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Astronomers here have discovered a "Goldilocks" planet in a distant solar system.

Named "Zenya 47E" after Sardonika Psychic Madame Z who predicted its existence, the planet's atmosphere and temperature are "just right" for the presence of liquid water.

And water means life.

The possibility of extraterrestrial existence has long intrigued scientists and sci-fi comic-book nerds.

"Life, even intelligent life, probably exists on Zenya 47E," explained key researcher Godfrey Gliese.  "But we can't say whether or not it resembles what we have on earth.  It would be foolish to speculate."

"That's no fun," snapped Madame Z.  "I see them just like us, except they're all altos, Episcopalians, 40-feet tall and better dancers.  But they have no yard jockies, four-cheese pizza, Pez dispensers, irritable bowel syndrome, four-hour erections, used-car TV ads, inflatable women, white zinfandel, Starbucks or Snuggies.

The Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists of the Year

10. The Top Ten Stupid Things Uttered by Sarah Palin.
 9.  The Top Ten YouTube Videos of Laughing Babies.
 8.  The Top Ten Recipes Requiring Squid, Falafel, Oat Bran and a Toaster Oven.
 7.  The Top Ten Deep Insights in George W. Bush's Memoir. (OK, the Top Two.)
 6.  The Top Ten Gangsta Rap Lyrics That Don't Include "Bitch" or "Ho". (OK, the Top Two.)
 5.  The Top Ten TSA Full Body Scan Images.
 4.  The Top Ten Million Wikileaks.
 3.  The Top Ten Wall Street Bonuses Exceeding $100 million.
 2.  The Top Ten Brilliant Things Uttered by Sarah Palin. (OK, the Top Two.)

And the number one Top Ten List of 2010:

 1. The Top Ten List of the Top Ten Lists of the Top Ten Lists of the Year.

 

 

Scare Campaign Curbs Teen Tobacco Use

Homeland Security Alert

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- The Department of Homeland Security has released details of a radical Islamic plot to undermine the American numerical system.

"This is far more insidious than any sleeper cell we've encountered," said DHS spokesman Carl McNutt.

The conspiracy originated in the tenth century, spread to Europe and then to the New World. It lay low, insinuating itself into the fabric of U. S. culture.

"Arabic numerals! Need I say more?" exclaimed McNutt. 

"Who knows what force could be released if these digits blow," he added.  "Zero, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 were invented by Muslims! "

Retiring National Security Adviser James Jones declared a state of emergency but tried to calm nerves by announcing that the suspect numbers are already being replaced around the nation.

Still, panic raced through Wall Street with the Dow Jones Industrials plummeting to MCXXXII. 

 

Mistake In The Decimal Expansion of Pi

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Mathematicians around the world are abuzz over the discovery last week that the 776th digit in the commonly accepted decimal expansion of pi is wrong. (see correction at right)

"It's 7, not 8," proclaimed Sardonikan math professor, Eddie "Four Eyes" Einstein at a Sar U symposium for guys with goofy hair cuts.  

Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. It is an "irrational number" whose decimal expansion goes on forever in a never-repeating pattern.

In a terse statement, President Ruttles said, "I think Einstein's  irrational and the whole damn thing is pi in the sky."

Computer experts thought they had correctly calculated the first trillion digits in the expansion, then Einstein upset the apple cart.

"I spend all my spare time counting important numbers on my fingers, looking for mistakes," he explained. "Then one day I was trying to figure out the barmaid's tip on the back of a cocktail napkin and it jumped out at me."

Einstein should win this year's Fields Medal, the math equivalent of the Nobel Prize and comes with a $15,000 award. "My girlfriend is going to love that part," said Professor Einstein. "Except I've never had a girlfriend."

From the Sardonika Bureau of Belabored Statistics

 

Stopping Time

SARDONIKA (SPINews) --- “Even a stopped watch is right twice a day.”

“Not entirely true,” say scientists from the Sardonika Policy Institute who have just released the results of year-long, $500 study.

"It's more complicated than that," said chief researcher, Elbert Edelweis.  "If you consider each of the world’s time zones,” “the watch is actually correct at some point on earth, 24 times a day.”

Extensive field trials involving cell phones, GPS devices, Google Maps and a broken Bulova have confirmed the conjecture.  

This new way of looking at time may be as revolutionary as Einstein’s General Theory and has sent shockwaves through the worlds of metaphor and cliché.  No so, the world of simile.  “The original quote, while both metaphorical and clichéd, contains neither the word, ‘like’ nor ‘as’,” said one local grammar nazi.  “Big effing deal.”

Also unmoved, and admittedly completely unaware of the contratemps, is The World According to Garp, Sea World, and World Series star Alex Rodriguez.