Sardonika

GOP Gets the Blues

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- President Obama crooned “Sweet Home Chicago” Tuesday night at a White House blues shindig celebrating Black History Month, and sent Republicans into apoplexy.

“Oh, sure, black  music!’ fumed Rush Limbaugh, setting the tone.  “And why was that limey wimp Mick Jagger there? Where was Pat Boone?  He  can sing ‘Tutti Frutti’!”

“Music in the White House is heresy,” snarled historian Newt Gingrich.

Rick Santorum promised to have only Christian music -- and Pat Boone.

Mitt Romney will install the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the Lincoln Bedroom.

AC 24/7

 

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- CNN’s Anderson Cooper started a TV talk show six months ago but is sagging in the ratings, ahead of Wendy Williams but trailing Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and Ellen DeGeneres. 

If his show flops, however, don’t cry for Anderson.  He’ll soon be on TV all the time.

Upcoming for Anderson are natural disasters, revolutions, world starvation, political campaigns, his New Year's Eve gig, his other  TV show, ads for Wheaties, starring in “Downton Abbey" and a stint as pope.

Meanwhile, SPINews has discovered why he seems to be everyplace at once: He's one of the Cooper Octuplets.

Editorial Cartoonists Rejoice

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- The Association of American Editorial Cartoonists today encouraged Sarah Palin to get back in the race for the Republican nomination.

In case of a brokered convention she told Fox news she was game.

After laughing like a loon and doing backflips down the halls of Politico.com, AAEC president Matt Weurker said, "This is just the shot in the arm my brethren and I need!"

With the newspaper industry in the toilet and cartoonists clobbered with salary cuts, buyouts and layoffs, Palin could single-handedly revive the art of satire. Bad news for the nation is great news for cartoonists. 

"The only thing better," says Weurker, "is if she wins in November!"

Rush & Kids No Kids

PALM BEACH, Florida (SPINews) -- Rush Limbaugh is claiming Democrats want birth control because they are so afraid of kids they are “aborting their own.”

One TV pundit wondered about Limbaugh, married four times with no kids:  “Birth control?”

Actress Carmel Fudge (latest baseball film “Honeyball”), who dated Limbaugh, scoffed. “He can’t get it up. Who got busted at the airport for smuggling Viagra?  Four wives? I’d say all his little tadpoles are long gone to tadpole heaven.”

She adds, “No woman would get near that blubbery mass if he didn’t have a ton of money up to his blow hole.”

Surprise Mormon Baptism

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- Holocaust survivor and Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel wants Presidential candidate Mitt Romney to tell the Mormon church to knock off posthumously baptizing Jews, including Holocaust victims such as Weisel’s own parents.  

The church routinely baptizes dead non-Mormons whether they like it or not.

Romney had no comment but SPINews has learned the church has secretly baptized Weisel.

Meanwhile Mormons fear retaliation by Israeli Mossad agents performing secret circumcisions in Salt Lake City.

Sticks and Stones

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- The GOP contenders have taken off the gloves and are now calling the president and each other what they consider the most vile and disgusting epithets:  

Mitt Romney called President Obama a communist.

Newt Gingrich called Obama a traitorous son of a bitch.

Rick Santorum called Mitt Romney Barack Obama.

 

Fire but Hold the Hummus

MASON, Texas (SPIN) -- Cowboy gun-safety instructor Crockett Keller who last fall closed his classes to “socialist liberals,” Muslims, or anyone who voted for President Obama is still going strong..

He said a devout Muslim cannot be a true American. 

He has now opened a dorm for "true Americans" such as militia crazies, the Klan and Aryan Brotherhood, Christian anti-abortionists and gun-slinging birthers.

This Saturday they’re having a kegger, toga party and shoot-out.

When he learned togas were worn by pagan Romans, Keller changed the costumes to bib overalls.

The Real Santorum

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- After Rick Santorum cleaned house in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado, the Sardonika Policy Institute says it's time to take a closer look at the fomer Senator from Pennsylvania.

"We thought he was just an empty sweater-vest," says one SPI analyst.

But SPI has unearthed far more disturbing material: He was born Rajeed bin Santorum in Afghanistan's Tora Bora region and is vice-commander of the Taliban. Says SPI:  "His views on women's right to choose, gay marriage, contraception, heavy petting and mixed-gender restaurants should have tipped us off sooner."

And those sweater vests?

"They're lined with C-4."

Iran Feud: H-O-R ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- Tensions are rising over Iran's push for nukes and threats to close the Strait of Hormuz, both abroad and in the White House Situation Room.

The State Department says, "Mahmud Ahmadinejad is a lunatic, and sanctions haven't worked, but we must keep trying."

The Pentagon backs a strike that could lead to a war dwarfing Iraq and Afghanistan.

One senior staffer had to stand in the corner for urging President Obama to invite Ahmadinejad over for tea or settle things in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

President Ruttles: Playing the Field

PRESIDENT RUTTLES POLITICAL REPORT 

FROM THE SARDONIKA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

I am, at this point in time, withholding any support of the GOP presidential candidates until I study their views on foreign aid -- or lack of it.  

That goes for President Obama, too.

I am like any of these gentlemen --  I can be bought.