Sardonika

NFL: 14 billion Super Bowl Fans

INDIANAPOLIS (SPINews) -- Now that the most important event in mankind is history, the NFL is boasting that 14 billion people watched the Giants beat the Patriots.

Although there are only 7 billion on the planet the NFL says everyone watched the game twice. 

Fans were glued to the TV in Russia, India, Brazil and South Pacific islands too tiny for Google maps. Iranians loved the ads, the Chinese went nuts over the Giants’ blitz package and riots broke out in Egypt (above photo) over the safety call against Tom Brady.

The Taliban are dressing their babes up as Madonna.

The U.N. has passed a resolution making Super Bowl XLVII viewing mandatory under penalty of beheading.

Band of the Month

SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES

Iran Feud: H-O-R ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- Tensions are rising over Iran's push for nukes and threats to close the Strait of Hormuz, both abroad and in the White House Situation Room.

The State Department says, "Mahmud Ahmadinejad is a lunatic, and sanctions haven't worked, but we must keep trying."

The Pentagon backs a strike that could lead to a war dwarfing Iraq and Afghanistan.

One senior staffer had to stand in the corner for urging President Obama to invite Ahmadinejad over for tea or settle things in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

Zoo Needs (Maybe) You

JOB OPENING

 

The Sardonika Zoo has an opening for its new director.

Qualifications:

• Strong as an ox
• Busy as a bee
• Wise as an owl
• Proud as a lion 
• Quick as a cat
• Gentle as a lamb
• Faithful as a dog
• Free as a bird
• Happy as a clam

Salary:  Meager as a church mouse.

NFL Rockers

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- Agog at Steven Tyler’s raspy rendition of the National Anthem at the AFC championship game, excited NFL execs have scheduled a rap version by Jay-z.

They'll follow that with more classic rockers: James Taylor (slow, wistful and in a minor key), Jerry Lee Lewis (boogie woogie -- if he shows up), Ozzy Osbourne (with a bat), and a flashing Jim Morrison impersonator.

Waiting patiently and very quietly:  Elvis, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

President Ruttles: Playing the Field

PRESIDENT RUTTLES POLITICAL REPORT 

FROM THE SARDONIKA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

I am, at this point in time, withholding any support of the GOP presidential candidates until I study their views on foreign aid -- or lack of it.  

That goes for President Obama, too.

I am like any of these gentlemen --  I can be bought.

Suicide Bomber Ranks Thinning

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The continued use of Muslim suicide bombers in the Middle East is depleting the supply.

Bomb incidents are outpacing new suicide bombers.

According to the Sardonika Policy Institute, the promise of 72 virgins is losing it's appeal to people crazed enough to blow themselves to smithereens, especially as jihadists recruit women and the elderly.  

"After all the time and money for training," says SPI, "first day on the job, BOOM! They're gone."

SPI predicts re-usable suicide bombers who will strap a small charge on one ankle, take out a few pedestrians, lose a foot and a monrh later be back in action.

Says SPI:  "They'll get four of five missions out of a single recruit."

Mitt Smacks Rivals on $$$

TAMPA, Florida (SPINews) -- Rebounding presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is fed up with incoming from Newt Gingrich and his two other remaining GOP rivals.

“Why are my fellow Republicans piling on?” he told SPINews.  “Acquiring businesses, gutting them and making obscene profits -- that’s a Republican core value!”

It was the only positive thing he said before training his sights on Gingrich.

“I meant it when I said I like firing people," Mitt adds.  "In fact, I'm buying Newt's SuperPac and firiing that lying fat-ass toad.”

Crystal Clear

SARDONIKA -- Madame Zenya predicts: The wacky Progressive Insurance girl will get her own TV sitcom about a young actress doing TV insurance commercials while trying to get her own TV sitcom.

Jay Leno will do a whole monologue devoid of jokes about drugs, body parts and sex.

When the last newspaper dies, local TV news teams will start stealing from Twitter.

Pentagon & Twinkies

WASHINGTON (SPINews) -- As the Hostess Corporation ponders how to dispose of its infamous stockpile of junk food, the Pentagon has told SPINews it will start firing Twinkies from drones.

And FEMA will explore soaking up oil slicks with Wonder Bread.