Sardonika

Scientific Sardonikan: Dinosaurs

 

In this month's issue of the prestigious journal:

• In the course of a lifetime, the number of times one inhales is exactly equal to the number of times one exhales. Margin or error: plus or minus one.
• It was not a meteor as previously theorized, but a virulent strain of jock itch that wiped out the dinosaurs.
• E=mc2 throughout the universe, except for most of Texas, Alabama and Mississippi. 

NFL Rockers

NEW YORK (SPINews) -- Agog at Steven Tyler’s raspy rendition of the National Anthem at the AFC championship game, excited NFL execs have scheduled a rap version by Jay-z.

They'll follow that with more classic rockers: James Taylor (slow, wistful and in a minor key), Jerry Lee Lewis (boogie woogie -- if he shows up), Ozzy Osbourne (with a bat), and a flashing Jim Morrison impersonator.

Waiting patiently and very quietly:  Elvis, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

TV Pilots That Never Aired

Mayberry FDR

Atlanta, Jesus

ATLANTA (SPINews) -- Goofball GOP state rep Bobby Franklin wants to change the status of women who are raped from "victims" to “accusers”.  This follows his bill that could send women who have miscarriages to the chair.   

Franklin, who is also openly anti-gay, wants to make Georgia pay debts only in gold and silver, scrap drivers licenses and let 12-year-olds get behind the wheel, close public schools and make us a Fundamentalist Christian nation.   

A hero to the lunatic fringe and Christian jihadists, he's cooking up more laws that would:

• Replace the Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments
• Base Georgia's budget on the Old Testament Book of Numbers with business conducted in Aramaic. 
• Replace school algebra with mandatory prayer
• Eliminate the windfall prophets tax
• Put God back in public restrooms
• Change the National Anthem to “Onward, Christian Soldiers” and the name of his state to "Jesus".

Given his surname, many Georgians hope he'll take a kite out into the next thunderstorm.