Local, national and international news plus obits, real-estate ads and the comics will be online.
Laments one editor, "Hey, we're trying to survive."
"Actually it will be closer to 99.9 percent," she adds. "We'll keep a page for crosswords, horoscopes and sex scandals. That's all readers want anyway."
She says papers will cover professional sports, college sports, high-school sports, Little League and beer pong, with the emphasis on fights, brawls, court-storming, drug testing and "really gross NASCAR crashes."
Reacting to her comments, Wall Street media stocks shot through the ceiling.