SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Sinkholes, which have appeared recently in Florida, Louisiana and Pennsylvania, were the subject of a conference sponsored by the Sardonika Policy Institute.
Attendees were divided regarding the strange occurrences in which houses, cars and people have disappeared into the earth.
The latest victim was a 43-year-old mortgage banker taking a penalty shot on a par three.
Scientists believe sinkholes are a portal to an alternate universe.
"Fall through a sinkhole and you're in a world where our rules of nature don't apply," says one astro-geologist. "For example, talk show hosts are polite.
"And you'll find all your missing socks."
The religious crowd claims the banker was probably gay.
"It's the opposite of the Rapture," proclaimed Reverend Jimmy Bob Lee Swagger, standing among his throng. "It's the devil snatching the unfaithful. Furthermore -- "
At which point the ground opened up, swallowing Swagger and his congregation whole.