DEAR PRESIDENT CLINTON: How do you see President Obama’s second term unfolding? Doubtful in Dayton
DEAR DOUBTFUL: Don’t worry about it. He’s learned his lesson on all that bipartisanship stuff and has shown he can handle the Republican slash-and-burn stormtroopers. Now’s his chance to do great things, like pass gun control, reform our immigration laws, and make his administration reflect this great nation. I mean what’s the deal with all these white guys? Get more diversity in there and by diversity I mean more women, and by women, I mean a very important demographic: babes.
DEEP WOODS, Michigan (SPINews) -- Rocker-Militia Commander Ted Nugent recently warned the world that he and his gun-toting pals will open fire to stop President Obama from confiscating their guns.
Says Nugent: “If you want another Concord Bridge, I got some buddies.”
The darling of the tighty-righties calls Obama evil, a communist, and hypocritical for visiting the Vietnam Memorial, forgetting that he himself dodged Vietnam with deferments and the draft classifications 1-Y and 4-F.
SPINews reported earlier that Nugent is Supreme Commander of the People's United Militias of America (PUMA).
The White House had no comment, but a Pentagon general told SPINews, “Cozying up to bears, deer, wolverines, woodchucks and chiggers has taken its toll on Mr. Nugent. He’s obviously been in the woods too long.”
PALO ALTO, California (SPINews) -- Actor and GOP Convention Comic Clint Eastwood snagged an exclusive interview with Lennay Kekua as an empty wingback chair. SPINews has obtained the transcript:
Clint Eastwood: Lennay -- Manti Te'o and the whole world are mourning your passing. Lennay Kekua/Wingback Chair: CE: Yes, I know you weren't ready to leave. LK/WC: CE: Of course. We know you were a special person and loved Manti deeply. LK/WC: CE: Right, and wanted to marry him. I've gotta ask you -- what's heaven like? LK/WC: CE: Wow, really? Clouds and halos and cherubs playing harps? LK/WC: CE: And God really is an old white man with a long beard? LK/WC: CE: Like Charlton Heston?! You gotta be shitting me! This is a hoax -- LK/WC: CE: (through clenched teeth) Hold on, bitch -- do what to myself? LK/WC: CE: Say that again. (pulls out a pretend Glock) Go ahead -- Fake my day.
NOTRE DAME, Indiana (SPINews) -- Lennay Kekua, the imaginary girlfriend of grief-stricken Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o was given a touching online memorial service yesterday here.
Ms. Kekua, the former Stanford grad, died last month from first a car crash and second, leukemia, and at the time was given a secret burial somewhere between Palo Alto and Honolulu.
A collection of religious leaders led the service in front of a Photoshop shrine of teddy bears, balloons, puppy dogs, candles and bobblehead hula dancers.
Among the clerics was a priest, five ministers, a rabbi, an imam, a Sioux shaman, a Jehovah’s Witness and scientologists Tom Cruise and Karen Black. They praised the young woman for her spiritual contribution to the Fighting Irish and Mr. Te’o for being able to bench press 500 pounds.
Meanwhile, Clint Eastwood, an expert at conducting interviews with imaginary people, has agreed to meet with the late Ms. Kekua to get the story straight.