Among the casualties:
- Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge.
- The Mideast and South Asia disappeared when everyone joined hands in a massive suicide bombing
- The Kardashian sisters were trampled in a Manolo Blahnik close-out.
- MSNBC’s Chris Matthews choked on the 554,677 words he was about to say
- The Pope sprained his thumbs doing emergency Tweeting
- The Donald leaped from the top of the Trump Tower, but suffered only minor injuries when he landed on his hair
Sardonikan President Ruttles said he will admit the Mayans on one condition: No more calendars unless they only have photos of kids, cats or Thomas Kincade paintings.