His troops want change.
Topping the list is career advancement. Says one disgruntled Yemeni: "Once you make Suicide Bomber, you hit a glass ceiling."
Promising to address the issue, Big Al will outsource stunt doubles for suicide missions, thereby opening a path to upper management. And, he adds, "we'll match contributions to your 401(k)."
Al-Q's HQ cave will sport a workout facility with Stair-masters, Nordic tracks and a lap pool, along with spinning classes and Pilates, on-site day care, dental coverage and a hot lunch program.
Some on the Arab street fear these reforms will turn al-Qaeda soft.
One critic snapped on al-Jazeera, "Next he'll turn sleeper cells into slumber parties."