But, wait, there's more: The Crusades gene, the Inquisition gene, the Holocaust gene, the Stoning gene, the Beheading gene, the Holier-than-Thou gene, the Speaking-in-Tongues gene, the Scientology gene, the Polygamy gene, the Human Sacrifice gene, the Genital Mutilation gene and the Dressing-in-Nerdy-Outfits-and-Knocking-on-Doors gene.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- After the Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as its chairman, Democratic leaders are now demanding to see his birth certificate.
They insist they are not starting a new "birther" movement, but several claim Priebus was born in Kenya.
"Reince Priebus is Swahili for 'He who denies me wildebeest steak can never know what's gnu," said one prominent Senator.
He added, "He used all that I'm-thankful-to-Jesus stuff to hide the fact he's actually a Muslim. And while we're at it, I'd like to check out John Boehner who word has it comes from Colombia, and Michele Bachmann who clearly was born on Mars."
Jesus had no comment on Priebus' election, but did tell SPINews, "I do have, no pun intended, bigger fish to fry."
PLANO, Texas (SPINews) -- Religious leaders here have taken note of massive animal deaths in past weeks and concluded that the "End Days" have dawned.
"Fish and bird kills are the first signs," said Reverend Buford Lee Swagger at his Megachurch of the Holy Terror. "Of course we can't ignore the fact these events happened in Arkansas and may just be some kind of anomaly -- like Bill Clinton."
Other recent phenomena are also causing concern: eclipses, chapped lips and Calypso music, all related to the Apocalypse.
"The Book of Revelation says the world must be destroyed to usher in the Rapture," thundered Rev. Swagger. "Then we will witness the Second Coming, and wholesome, family-oriented TV!"
Right-wing talk-radio host Crash Gasbag also weighed in: "I've been telling you people all along Bill Clinton is the Anit-Christ!"
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- Following the Tucson shootings, the National Rifle Association is quietly passing along a talking points list for its Republican surrogates in Congress.
As NRA Deputy Commandant Clyde "Machine Gun" Kelly tells his disciples, "Forget that limp-wrist John McCain -- this is no time for moderation. Plain and simple, Jared Loughner is a nut case and we're not going to let one little bloody rampage bump us off message."
Kelly's list includes:
Mr. Loughner does not reflect the NRA's views of a gentle, safe America.
With a predictable, violent, liberal backlash against God-fearing patriotic conservatives, now is the time to buy more guns.
You are either with us or you're with the terrorists. (recycled with permission of Dick Cheney.)
Sarah Palin's map showing gunsights was good, clean fun, like an amusement-park arcade.
Vitriol didn't cause 30,000 gun deaths last year, people did.
To anyone, especially Congressional leaders who may want to "man up" and denounce so-called hate ads, we know where you live.
Meanwhile Talk Radio wingnuts led by Rush Limbauch are blaming Blil Clinton, Hillary Clinton, DeWitt Clinton, George Clinton, George Clooney, Rosemary Clooney, President Obama, Michelle Obama, "Obamacare", Medicare, Mister Rogers, Roy Rogers, Roy Orbison and Jesus ("who could have stopped it if he'd wanted to").
VATICAN CITY (SPINews) -- Pope John Paul II is about to become a saint.
Pope Benedict XVI has put his predecessor on the fast track, thus skipping the normal five-year waiting period between death and cranking up beatification.
Fans claim he healed a nun with Parkinson's disease (his required miracle) but critics bring up sex crimes by priests and their cover-ups, and are upset he ignored a sex-abusing, children-fathering Mexican padre.
Meanwhile Pete Rose, a hero with his own baggage, said, "Hey, beatify me -- I'll be St. Peter of Cincy!"
He added, "It's like getting into the Hall of Fame -- this guy skips the five-year wait and I'm out forever? OK, the pope puts me in the Hall now -- that would be a miracle!"
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The first Frisco's Blimp Tour of the new year lifts off next month.
After spending the holidays getting his aircraft ready, and picking up some walking-around money by subbing for the MetLife blimp during meaningless PGA events, Frisco -- the owner and pilot -- will head out on his "Grand Island Tour 2011".
He has already swung by Washington, D.C., hovered over the Capitol dome and filled up his blimp with a potent mix of fumes, gas and the requisite hot air.
The ambitious schedule includes St. Barts, St. Kitts, St. Micks, St. Jude the Obscure, the Christmas Islands, Easter Islands, July 4th Islands, Labor Day Islands, Isles of Mull, Isle of Moll, Isles of Langerhans, Pago Pago, Bora Bora, Tico Tico, Hubba Hubba, Iota, Tark and Snark.
Coming up this year: The All Elvis Tour, The Bore-Ass Tour and The Christmas Nutty as a Fruitcake Tour".
Citing ever-present terrorist threats, Frisco also announced that he would be conducting all passenger pat-downs personally.