Holding a small slate and scribbling his message with a piece of chalk, he wrote, "I am a deaf-mute."
"That explains a lot," said fellow Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "Everyone knows that Clarence has never uttered a word on the bench. We suspected he wasn't listening either."
"If you've ever read his opinions," added retired Justice David Souter, "you'd know for sure he wasn't."
Asked for his opinion, Justice Stephen Breyer squinted one eye and growled, "Arrrr, I be Long Dong Silver!"
Recently, Justice Thomas had no comment regarding his wife's phone call to law professor Anita Hill demanding an apology for her testimony at his1990 Senate confirmation hearing.
That got reporters wondering. When he refused to return e-mails, tweets or smoke signals, an investigative team for SPINews turned up the heat, which resulted in today's shocking admission.
Furthermore, SPINews learned that because of certain boyhood activities that Senate hopeful Christine O'Donnell roundly condemns, Justice Thomas's sight is failing.
How did he function for two decades as a member of the highest court in the land?
Thomas wrote, "I cribbed off Scalia."