SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
In an exhaustive $50 study, the Sardonika Policy Institute has tackled this philosophical conundrum. SPI's crack Forensic Metaphysical Unit, after a weekend field trip to the Sardonika National Forest, has proposed these working theories:
If you're telling me it fell, but you weren't there, can I hear you?
Just before he dies, the lumberjack it crushes says, "Oh shit!"
It didn't fall, it was pushed!
It depends what kind of tree: maples are noisy, aspens are quiet.
Don't know if the tree makes a sound, but the nearest environmentalist certainly does.
Big forest. One tree. Who gives a rat's ass?
There's probably an iPhone app that can figure this out.
It makes the same sound as a one-handed lumber baron clapping.
Better question: If Sarah Palin is alone in the forest, can we just leave her there?
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Sardonika's premier economic forecaster, Madame Zenya has become the focus of an investigation by the Bureau of Belabored Statistics. According to the BBS's findings, the psychic's predictions are correct only 38% of the time.
"Which," she replied tartly, "is still better than that bubble-headed weather bimbo on STV.".
SPINews has noted that the sign above her shop has been changed. In place of "Predicting the Future," the text now reads, "Predicting the Past."
"I'm now 100% accurate," she beamed. "I've been dead-on with the sinking of the Titanic, WWII, Camelot, The Beatles, iPhones and the presidency of George W. Bush -- although that last one, I'm still shaky on."
As for financial advice, she said, "Enron stock? Dump it."
DAVENPORT, Iowa (SPINews) -- In the super-heated mid-term elections, everyone has staked out extreme, bull-headed positions on every issue from taxes to accordion recycling.
Political dialogue is shouting and bellowing from the far right and the far left.
After an exhaustive two-day search, SPINews finally tracked down the last remaining American who calls herself a moderate.
"I can't stand all this bloviating," said bank teller Jennifer Jason Lehigh. "Both my eardrums are ruptured!"
"The cause is too much Fox News," said Ms. Lehigh at a local ice cream parlor. "And MSNBC, Twitter, Blogs and talk radio -- and not enough Rodney King. Remember him? Mr. 'Why can't we all just get along?'"
She turned her attention to getting a cone, trying to choose between one scoop of Double Whammy Dutch Swiss Almond Chocolate or Raspberry Mocha Divine Walnut Flaming Brandy.
"It's tough," she said, shaking her head. "I can see arguments on both sides."
LONDON (SPINews) -- The Rolling Stones are finally retiring.
Amid a flurry of rumors, SPINews tracked down lead singer Mick Jagger working on his model railway layout in his mansion's game room near here.
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Jagger. “We’re all getting the gold watches and if we run into hard times we can sell 'em on eBay.”
He and his bandmates are in their late 60s but when detractors claim it’s time to hit the assisted-living circuit, Jagger bristles. “Chuck Berry is over 80," he said. "Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis are almost 80. We're still young. I mean, look at Keith -- he looks great as long as he doesn't fall out of any more bleedin' palm trees."
He admitted he's lost a step and can't bound around the stage as he used to, and it's hard to strut when pushing a walker. "Maybe we'll have to do what Eric Clapton did and play unplugged and sitting down."
A lot of fans have asked the Stones what they plan to do when they grow up. "Ronnie wants to open a Christmas shop in Sarasota," said Jagger. "Charlie is interested in soil conservation. Keith wants to work in health care and I'd like to be a fireman."
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- A local woman has created a stir here by installing a large statue in her front yard, in this case (shown here), a remnant from the former Soviet Union, "Hero of Communist Cuisine!" Julia Brioche bought the 24-foot concrete sculpture on eBay last month with a high bid of $13.75. "There are tons of these around," she said. "I got this one because I like to cook. I had narrowed them down to "Stalin Flying a Kite" and "Glory to Soviet Scrabble Players!" Several neighbors complained to the police, but Chief of Security Major Fargo Frango figured it was OK as long as it wasn't making fun of him.
President Ruttles griped, "They don't even have one of me!" Nonetheless, her neighbors are still upset. As one asked, "What's wrong with a yard gnome?"
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- The young woman lives by herself in a small flat on the edge of town, a pariah and social outcast for the past five years for remaining the only 20-something woman in the country with not a single tattoo: no roses, no butterflies, no tiny ankle chains.
The woman, we'll call her Kaylee, said, "My friends all have tattoos -- birds, their kids, stars, angels, flowers, that Greek-looking trim you see on vases. Nicole has San Francisco at sunset on her back, Dawn has the logo of her boyfriend's band Entrails on her thigh, and Brie has the lyrics of that Pachabel song on her fingers."
When we reminded her Canon in D Major has no lyrics she said, "Brie wrote some."
She admits she often becomes depressed and once considered ending it all by spraying the local McDonald's with a tattoo gun.
Why does she put herself through all the agony? "I don't want to be an 80-year-old grandma with a swastika on my chest and a broken-down barbed wire fence around my flabby neck."
SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- In a recent poll on President Ruttles' performance in office, half said "Crappy" while the other half said "No opinion".
One respondent said, "Ruffles? Who the hell is President Ruffles?"
The president has decided to play hardball: "That's it," he snapped. "I'm ending their entitlement program -- as of January 1, citizens are not longer entitled to their own opinion."
Ruttles' Crumpet Party wrung its hands, the opposition Grumps vowed to short-sheet his bed, and the Sardonika Policy Institute, which has enough opinions for everybody, repaired to its think tank and "will reluctantly shoulder the burden."