SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
In an exhaustive $50 study, the Sardonika Policy Institute has tackled this philosophical conundrum. SPI's crack Forensic Metaphysical Unit, after a weekend field trip to the Sardonika National Forest, has proposed these working theories:
- If you're telling me it fell, but you weren't there, can I hear you?
- Just before he dies, the lumberjack it crushes says, "Oh shit!"
- Define "fall."
- It didn't fall, it was pushed!
- It depends what kind of tree: maples are noisy, aspens are quiet.
- Don't know if the tree makes a sound, but the nearest environmentalist certainly does.
- Big forest. One tree. Who gives a rat's ass?
- There's probably an iPhone app that can figure this out.
- It makes the same sound as a one-handed lumber baron clapping.
- Better question: If Sarah Palin is alone in the forest, can we just leave her there?