SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Local manufacturer Grand Style International, sensing a huge fad crouching on the United States' horizon, is gearing up production of the country's most famous export: two-toned shoelaces.
Mindful that Americans are a highly litigious lot, the shoelaces will come with an instruction booklet and warning list:
- Read the 124-page instruction booklet and answer a mandatory 15-minute quiz
- Wear steel-toed shoes
- Wear safety goggles
- Wear steel-toed goggles
- Wear steel toads
- Wear a helmet
- Use in a well-ventilated and well-lighted area
- Do not take internally
- Do not use around children
- Do not use while driving or operating heavy machinery
- Do not operate heavy machinery
- Do not get close to heavy machinery
- Keep away from open flames
- Use only between 55 and 83 F
- Do not mix with gasoline, plutonium, alcohol or sleeping pills
- Do not drink alcohol if pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant or even heavy petting
- Do not insert into eye or ear
- If swallowed or inhaled drink a gallon of warm milk and call 911
- Always stand back 50 feet
- Wash hands before and after using
- Smoking will cause lung cancer
- Don't drive with your arm out the window
- Listen to your mother
- Do not make eye contact
- Keep away from small animals
- Wait an hour after lunch to go swimming
- 35 m.p.h. unless otherwise posted
- Dispose in accordance with local hazmat rules
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