Sardonika

The "Hurt" Oscar

HOLLYWOOD (SPINews) -- A warm glow lingers over Tinseltown days after its annual extravaganza at which Kathryn Bigelow became the first female to win the Oscar for best director. Her movie, “The Hurt Locker”, a close examination of a bomb squad in Iraq, also won for best movie. 

Although box office for the film was low, the Academy saluted a gritty film about an ongoing war that (cue the marching band) does not shout, "Come on, America, let's go kill the enemy!"

SPINews has since interviewed several serviceman recently returned from Iraq. Said one, “I wish my company captain looked like her.”  A decorated infantry sergeant said, “Real war lasts a whole lot longer than two hours.  Especially this worthless son-of-a-bitch.”  One colonel added, "Actors think they know all about war by playing soldiers.  Let them sign up and come over for real."

Another said he risks his life daily for his country while the Pentagon dithers over “don’t ask, don’t tell," and he is waiting for a movie about his own band of brothers: "The Hurt Closet".

Kids at Work

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Following the uproar caused by an American air traffic controller who took his children into the control tower at JFK International Airport and let them order around aircraft, President Ruttles has banned "Take Your Kids to Work Day" for several jobs.  His order includes air traffic controllers, airline pilots, neurosurgeons, rocket scientists, nuclear weapons technicians, firefighters, pole dancers, gynocologists, and long-haul truckers.

"For good measure," added the president, "I may include priests."

Nw Alphabt

The print industry, including book publishing and nwspaprs, finds itslf up against the wall in the rapidly volving onlin univrs. Ad rvnus are down. Production costs ar skyrockting. “W’v cut pags, contnt and jobs,” said on distraught ditor. “W don’t know what to do nxt.”

In a bold initiativ, Th Sardonika Policy Institut has tackld th issu, suggsting  publishrs tak a critical look at th nglish languag and liminat 20% of its vowls.  “A, I, O, U and somtims Y” should suffic, according to the offshor think tank. The missing vowl -- th most common in the languag -- is apparntly unncssary basd on study rsults. Tst subjcts had no problm undrstanding contnt undr th nw ruls. And projctd savings may b just nough to rscu th troubld industry.

Prsidnt Ruttls agrs with the findings and is contmplating an xcutiv ordr rquiring that all fdral agncis drop th psky vowl. 

SPI is planning futur studis, focusing on dispnabl consonants.  

 

New Tower Transcript

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Following the flap over the air traffic controller’s kids directing flights at JFK International, SPINews has obtained, after promising not to reveal the source, the audio record of a similar incident in another airport tower.  To hear it, click on the bar below: Control Tower

Chile Struck Again

SANTIAGO, Chile (SPINews) --- Just as stunned Chileans were digging out from the rubble of a major earthquake, the country has been rocked by a series of severe aftershocks. The original magnitude 8.8 temblor struck near Concepcion in a region of unusually heavy seismic activity. In the midst of the death and destruction, a cry has been heard throughout the land: "Why us?"

Replied a spokesman for Rev. Pat Robertson:  "God hates foreigners."

SC: Bad as Gold

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- South Carolina Republican legislator Mike Pitts wants to scrap the U.S. dollar for gold and silver coins, claiming the national economy is a mess.  

Economists at the Sardonika Policy Institute see this grandstanding and teabagging as really a run-up to his next move: scrapping gold and silver for Confederate money.  

Pitts has been mum on another popular and populist move, secession, but SPINews has learned he is huddling with his military advisers to rebuild the Confederate Army and the Confederate Navy.  SPINews has obtained plans for a nuclear-powered Merrimack and reports many in the Palmetto State can hear those banjos ringing.

Sampling "Not Plagiarism"

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- A young, best-selling author was criticized recently for lifting passages from fellow novelists without attribution.  “It’s not plagiarism,” claimed German writer Helene Hegemann, whose debut novel,“Axolotl Roadkill,” is littered with borrowed material.  “I’m an artist. I’m mixing and sampling.” She said it’s a new generation and, in an information-rich culture, this practice is perfectly acceptable. 

The Sardonika Policy Institute sees a trend developing: 

•  “I wasn’t counterfeiting, I was sampling twenties.”
•  “I wasn’t lifting credit card numbers, I was sampling identities.”
•  “I wasn’t cribbing, I was sampling students' test papers.”

And from some recent newsmakers:

•  “I wasn’t stealing, I was sampling my friends’ savings.”—Bernie Madoff.
•  “I wasn’t teleprompting, I was sampling my life line.”—Sarah Palin.
•  "I wasn't cheating, I was sampling my fan base."—Tiger Woods.

Editor's note: SPINews sampled parts of this report from The New York Times.

Modern American Cowboys

The Sardonikan Policy Institute recently noticed that rodeo cowboys riding brahma bulls now wear helmets with grids, and what looks like upper-body armor.  This should surprise no one, as cowboys must obviously change with the times.  SPI is publishing a report on the topic, "Ride 'em (gently) Cowperson!" 

The MAC (Modern American Cowboy) now watches "American Idol," drives a pickup with a gun rack while listening to NPR, coaches Little League, drinks martinis ("Easy on the vermouth or I'll fill you full of lead!"), hosts a co-ed book club, wears jeans with a "relaxed fit," confines his wild-west shootouts to H-O-R-S-E, sings Pearl Jam while sitting around the campfire, takes his RV on a trail ride and  ...

... going green, wears an eight-gallon hat.

The Olympics and Global Warming

VANCOUVER, B.C. (SPINews) -- Sunny, warm days during Vancouver's Winter Games have stunned the International Olympic Committee. '"Meanwhile Florida is frozen!" said IOC spokesperson, Edith Pilaf. Sacre Bleu! But scientists are not surprised. According to Climate Change Theory, major disruptions and displacements in weather are on the way. The IOC realizes the concept of distinct Summer and Winter Olympics is being turned on its head and will consolidate the games as follows:

• Opening Ceremony: Lighting of the Earth's Atmosphere.
• The 100 meter backstroke in the Bering Strait.
• The Nordic Combined at Macchu Picchu.
• The North Pole Vault.
• Ice Dancing on the Sahara.
• The Antarctic Triathlon.
• The Ecuadorian Biathlon.
• New Orleans Street Water Polo.
• The Sudan Skeleton Competition.
• The Greco-Roman Polar Bear Wrestling.
• Curling in the Amazon Basin.
• Sea Horse Dressage. 
• Synchronized Freezing.
• Quadruple Sculls on Mount Everest's Glacier Melt.
• Icicle Fencing.
• Closing Ceremony: Torch relay to the next Olympics site with a stable climate -- Mars.    

 
 

  

 

 

 

 

SPI Predicts More Auto Recalls

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- As Toyota launches yet another round of recalls, this time for possible steering problems, the Sardonika Policy Institute Car Care Centre is predicting even more, including several by other auto giants.  Here is a partial look at SPI’s list:

• Toyota:  Every car, after a Dallas grandmother complained her 1986 Tercel "just doesn't feel right".
• Mercedes-Benz:   A French architect said his radio suddenly explodes with "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles." 
• BMW:  All X4 sports cars when a Munich businessman crashed on the autobahn doing 170 m.p.h.
• Rolls-Royce:  The Phantom, after a London chauffeur claimed his boss was "arch".
• Nissan:  All models after 2008 for possibly going airborne when parked.
• Ford:  All Model Ts for bumpy rides, balky hand cranks and an off-key horn going "ahhooogah!"
• Honda:  General recall simply to keep up with Toyota.
• Hummers:  Ugly, gas guzzling and dangerously over-hyped.
• Chrysler:  A 25-year-old Tucson man griped the bass on his "Ram Tough" pickup’s radio "fails to reach 6,000 decibels."
• Studebaker:  The company now admits those curved rear windows "look dumb".
• Volkswagen:  All 1964 vans after the flowers and peace signs started fading.
• Winnebago: RV basement rec rooms get water during heavy rain.
• GM:  All ’57 Chevys after a 66-year-old man from Seattle filed suit claiming, "I was falsely promised when I bought one in high school I would get laid."